tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-52182258099478616032024-03-21T11:55:31.480-04:00My Newly Single LifeFor better or worse. Just different.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13017357351474299489noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5218225809947861603.post-410395439150467292018-04-04T12:43:00.000-04:002018-04-04T12:43:20.041-04:00I turned 31 in March. There was a noticeable decline in Giving a Shit from when I turned 30, and that was already a pretty significant fall. I recall waking up the day of my 30th birthday and caring a little bit less about... well, everything. I felt more relaxed in my own skin and comfortable with my life. Turning 30 was like reaching the end of the hardest race you've ever run and finally getting a moment to coast.<br />
<br />
So imagine my surprise at the existential dread that hit me as I approached 31. There's a difference, you see, between turning 30 and finding yourself <i>in your thirties</i>. Thirty is the new twenty-five. Your life is beginning and there are so many possibilities ahead of you. You're experienced but still learning. You're an established, independent adult but with a youthful zeal. You can continue to shop at the same stores you did in your twenties, and Aerie has such comfy leggings. But 31? Congratulations, you're old. You're seeing your body break down. There are grey hairs just popping up all over the place. Like my chin. There's 30, and then there's "well you're nearing 40." I still get acne, though. I guess that's the last trappings of youth on an aging face?<br />
<br />
But it wasn't the noticeable and gradual breakdown of the body I've abused and neglected. It wasn't waking up sore just from sleeping in a different position, or the prominent dark circles under my eyes that never seem to fade. Nope, it was the question I'd always been able to brush aside with confidence.<br />
<br />
<i>What have I done with my life?</i><br />
<br />
What have I contributed to the world? What will anyone think of when they think of me? Will they think of me at all? Have I made any impression on those around me? People I know have switched careers, moved far away, started businesses, started families. They donate and volunteer. They are determined and successful. They are inspiring. But instead of feeling inspired, I just felt overwhelmed and unfit. It's that impostor syndrome, rearing it's ugly head after years of building self confidence.<br />
<br />
I'm 31 years old and it had taken me so long to get to a point in my life where I'd not only started to accept who I am, but to have pride in myself. Maybe it's gender related, maybe it's generational, maybe it's years of self doubt causing me to question everything I do, but even the idea of having pride in my life and what I do feels... bad. As if somehow "I'm proud of the person I've become" is a shameful statement. I thought hitting my thirties would be the time I worked myself out of that mindset.<br />
<br />
And maybe it is.<br />
<br />
Sure, I don't own my own business. I'm not much of a business idea person and the truth is the concept of a daily grind doesn't have a large appeal to me. And that's okay! I have hobbies and goals that I'll never financially profit from, and those keep me as busy as I want to be. Nearing 30 I found myself feeling confident with who I already am. Perhaps this next decade is when I'm able to look around and say, "This is okay, but what can I do to really get the most out of my life?" No one wants to find they've peaked, and they certainly don't want to find out they peaked at 30. The more I started to think about it, the sillier the notion of reaching some finish line at 31 seemed. Maybe I can no longer turn my neck all the way to the left and these grey hairs just keep growing like weeds, but our thirties are still so early in our lives. We have the benefit of lessons learned in our twenties, the same youth we've learned to enjoy, and free time that comes with established priorities. However, hangovers do last at least two days. You'll want to consider this when you're drinking on a Saturday.<br />
<br />
At 31, I know enough to realize my life isn't exactly where I want it to be. But now I recognize that that doesn't equate to failure. I can grow because I want to continue to improve, not because I feel like I'm not enough.<br />
<br />
Maybe you've had this thought at any age. Maybe you're in your twenties and wondering if you're the only one blindly feeling your way through life. (Spoiler, you aren't. There's a pretty good chance everyone else is as internally terrified as you are.) But at some point you start to see that you're taking things in stride and you feel more prepared. And before you know it, you're 31 and you can feel "IDGAF" in your soul in the most positive of ways.<br />
<br />
30 was full of some challenges and changes, and I can't wait to see where the next decade takes me. Most importantly, I realize that I can determine that path myself.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13017357351474299489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5218225809947861603.post-49460987506931776262018-02-27T11:53:00.001-05:002018-02-28T13:14:18.158-05:00I am sometimes sarcastic.<div style="margin-bottom: 8.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">Recently I've been listening to the soundtrack for a Broadway musical almost nonstop. Not sure if you've heard of it, but it's called <i>Hamilton.</i> Why did no one tell me how great this is? Maybe it's just not really well known. I'm sure tickets are easy to get and don't require selling a kidney to afford.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">I want to make it clear: this is sarcasm. </span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">It’s astonishing how many people that actually know me continue to take
what I say at face value, with the utmost seriousness. I once jokingly
“threatened” a friend about going to an overcrowded, mediocre restaurant,
saying I would throw away the Christmas gifts I had bought her. In reality, I’d
go wherever she wanted and not care as long as food ended up on my plate.
Despite the clear intent, a third party was aghast, and called me every name he
could think of. Thankfully, he didn’t think for too long. (Imagine what it’s like to go through life with such a
literal sense of humor. I hope to never endure any kind of cognitive injury
that would cause that.)</span><br />
<span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 8.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">Here’s
some advice, friends: don’t entertain people who consistently see the worst in
you.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 8.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 8.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">These
people will pretend that they want to help you, as if you’re some puzzle that
needs completion--as if they have the missing pieces. This isn’t for your
benefit, but rather, for their satisfaction. Yes, it’s helpful and healthy to
have people in your life who will be honest with you when you’re not being your
best self. Sometimes we need people to tell us to step back because we’re
acting a little crazy and letting our anxieties get the best of us, or that
we’re losing our focus on goals.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 8.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 8.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 8.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">No one is
so self-aware and well-adjusted that they don’t need this kind of cheerleader
in their corner. If you think that you’re that person, you’re wrong and could
benefit from some honesty from the people close to you. I say this from a place
of love--you can be a better person.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 8.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 8.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">(That’s
another joke.)</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 8.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 8.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">I think
of it like this: imagine that you’ve hired a personal trainer. This trainer
tells you, “I just know if I don’t make you work out, you won’t do it”--even if
you’ve faithfully gone to the gym and worked out independently every day. Or
maybe after a week of clean eating, you have a slice of pizza, and the trainer exaggerates
your indulgence by saying, “You’re <i>always</i> eating junk and <i>that's </i>why you're fat." They criticize every roadblock and misstep as "just who you are as a person," because they believe that you'll never succeed without their direct influence.</span><i><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 8.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 8.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">You’d probably
want to stop paying a trainer as unproductive as this one is, right? You would
definitely, at the very least, lose motivation to keep working out. A trainer
this critical and pessimistic is no more helpful than a trainer who makes
excuses for you and tells you that you’re doing great, even when you see no
progress toward your goals.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 8.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 8.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">Now
imagine those same situations, but with a trainer who is understanding,
positive, and productive. Had some pizza? <i>Hey, you're human and pizza is delicious. Just focus on moderation and make sure you keep cheat meals on schedule. </i>Skipped a workout? <i>Fitness takes effort and no one else can do it for you. Rest days are important, but rest days should also be on schedule. </i>These are encouraging words of advice, guidance, and motivation. This type of feedback is empowering. It reminds you that you are in control of your actions and you can reach your goals if you put forth the effort.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 8.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 8.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">Being
told you’re awful is not at all the same as being told you can do better. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 8.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 8.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">So, why
do we allow people we call friends to act like the first trainer toward us?
Maybe you’re comfortable in long friendships that are ingrained into your life,
or maybe you’re simply afraid of losing people who are in your circle. Maybe we
don’t even see the difference in their treatment of us and what real
encouragement is supposed to look like. With enough naysaying, we may start to
believe their insults. Telling your friend that they’re awful isn’t tough
love--it’s just mean. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 8.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 8.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">You can
guarantee that exactly one person will be with you throughout your entire life.
That person is you. I’m not saying that to be depressing or overly harsh. It’s
just something as reliable as death, taxes, and losing your debit card in a
parking lot because you just tossed it into a bag after stopping in a
drive-through and telling yourself, “I’ll just put it back later.” (Another
inevitability is realizing how many companies have that information when you
cancel the card and start getting phone calls.)</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 8.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 8.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">Anyway,
my point is: all our lives, we will (or should) strive to be better people. We
have to learn to live with ourselves. Having so much negativity in your life,
no matter the source, only makes it harder. Whether they’re taking your sarcasm
literally by assuming the worst about you, or constantly cutting you down to
make you fit in a mold they deem fit, they don’t actually produce any
positivity or radical changes in your life.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 8.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">I’ve
discovered that I am filled with enough self-doubt that I don’t actually need
someone else telling me I’m right. I need someone to tell me that I’m not at my
best, and I can be better. However, this requires constructive criticism and
sincere encouragement--and that requires my friends to look past my
complications and downfalls to see that I really am trying to do better.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13017357351474299489noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5218225809947861603.post-87225078605510393352018-02-15T16:03:00.000-05:002018-02-28T13:23:20.501-05:00It's Been a While<div class="MsoNormal">
Hello. It’s me. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That would have been funnier if I had written it back when
that song was still popular, which is also when this dropped off the radar. I
haven’t written here since 2016. I actually haven’t written anything since
2016, and I’ll kindly ask for patience while I knock the rust off. It may be a
while and will probably involve more backtracking than progress. Not unlike everything else in my life.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Let’s not just pick up where we left off. Last time I posted
an entry here I had just quit my job and moved to Columbia. I sold my house,
and got an apartment with a roommate that quickly became a best friend. Living
in Columbia, with family and so many friends nearby, I was happy. I was probably
the happiest I’d been in years, or maybe ever.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So of course something had to go horribly wrong. I moved
because I needed something new, including a new job. And the new job was okay, and seemed to provide the challenge I was looking for. I worked with some great people.
Unfortunately, I also worked in an incredibly toxic environment. I was
constantly in tears. I had a boss that made it clear he wanted me gone.
Something had to give and I decided that it would be me. Everything else is
perfect, except this job- the one thing that has always been a driver in my
life. So, I quit. I turned in my resignation letter, finished out a week, and I
was done. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I would be lying if I said I didn’t love the look of shock
on my manager’s face. Honestly, I don’t know why he was surprised. He’d put me
on probation. He’d discussed termination steps. He’d caught me looking for
jobs while I was still at work with a desk that faced his office door. And yet he had the audacity to tell me he was caught off guard. I knew
how much I’d grown as a person when I didn’t start laughing at him.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now anyone that knows me knows I don’t make huge changes
without knowing exactly what’s going to happen next. I am not a risk-taker. My
idea of taking a risk is not looking at or changing my seat assignments on an
airplane. What if I’m in the middle? What if I’m near the back when I have a
short layover and need to rush off? Just thinking about it gets my adrenaline
pumping.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So anyway, I started a new job in Florida. I left this
perfect life with the perfect roommate and perfect social circle and perfect
gym, and moved to a city where I knew literally no one for a new job that I had
never done before. It was me, and my two dogs.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Which, in case you didn’t know, soon became one dog. Within
the first six weeks of moving to Florida, Emmett developed a tumor in his spine
that couldn’t be treated. I drove him back to South Carolina to say goodbye and
let him go. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I started thinking about this blog. I said so many times that
life after something like divorce would be a huge change. The subtitle to this
blog is about change. And yet I’d been living in the same house, with the same
job, doing the same things I had when I was married. Feels a little
disingenuous now that I look back on it. A lot has changed. I still have a lot
to say. I’m still just unsure of what to do with this. I want to continue. I
want to do something that may help and entertain other people. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A theme would help. Who doesn’t love a theme? Just some kind
of unifying note throughout it all, that may help keep me focused as well as
build an audience. For a brief moment I considered making the central theme of
this a fitness blog, but then I saw myself naked in the mirror. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Maybe I just need to continue writing, forcing myself to sit
down and put something out on a regular basis. Waiting for inspiration or some
catalyzing event doesn’t get things done. As Chuck Close said, “Inspiration is
for amateurs- the rest of us just show up and get to work.” The only way I’m
going to make anything of this little venture is to keep doing it. The only way
I’ll be a better writer is to keep doing it, and that includes the failures. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So stay tuned. I’ll want to write about the things that lead
me to this spot in my life. The people that have taught me so much and how it’s
helped me cope. Or how leaving behind almost everything from my “old life” has
allowed me to become who I am. And feel free to keep me on track. Feel free to
comment or reach out. Feel free to make suggestions on where this can go.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m serious. Suggestion box is open. #helpme<o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13017357351474299489noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5218225809947861603.post-801633354293577262016-10-11T18:33:00.000-04:002016-10-11T18:33:02.091-04:00Working GirlI really need someone else to come up with titles for these posts. And maybe just manage it in general and provide me with deadlines and accountability. It's unpaid, but you'll get great experience.<br />
<br />
As I mentioned in the last post, I quit my job and moved.<br />
<br />
I was getting bored at the old job and looking for something new. It's a good company and I liked my coworkers, but it was just time to make a move and do something different. Also I didn't really want to live there anymore. That little town was far from anywhere I wanted to be, and I felt so trapped. Nothing ever happened, I was in the same house my ex husband and I had, and it was just a bad day-in, day-out rut.<br />
<br />
Here's a fun fact. Twice, I had a part of an interview focus on my personality and then afterword I didn't hear anything back. One job I applied for did a pretty intense personality test on me. I don't mean the Jung's classification thing, or one of those tests where they ask if you've ever had violent tendencies. No, I mean a test that really made you question who you really are deep down when no one is looking. I completed it, and the potential employer went radio silent for over a week. I was really worried what they learned about me, and if they had alerted the authorities.<br />
<br />
I'm not really known for being the brave one. I don't do random shit like this. I seek stability, and have stayed in less than ideal situations just because they're familiar. Because they're safe and predictable. I don't quit the only job I've had since college and move away from the place I've lived for twenty years.<br />
<br />
And yet, I did. I have.<br />
<br />
There's really no point in complaining about your situation if you aren't going to change it. It may be scary or difficult, but the feeling of knowing you at least took action is worth pushing through that fear. At the end of our lives, the regrets of what we never did will weigh the heaviest. And at the end of that life, that's it. The last chapter. The final note hanging in the air. There is no option to start over. We aren't Mario. As much as I would like some magical food to make me taller, that's not the world we live in.<br />
<br />
So, do whatever you're going to do. Find what makes you unhappy and push it out of your life. Change that thing that's bothering you. Tell that person why they're an asshole. Get out and exercise. Ask for that promotion. Even if you don't like it, even if you make the wrong choice. Just prove to yourself that you can do it, and that your life will go on.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13017357351474299489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5218225809947861603.post-19282050547966531722016-10-03T18:26:00.001-04:002016-10-03T18:26:39.696-04:00Big ChangesHello, friends. I did that thing where I forgot to actually write in my blog for... several months. To be honest I kept wondering what to write about as eventually the divorce seemed less important, and dating seemed really unpleasant.<br />
<br />
Btw, it is. Sometimes my response to the thought of dying alone is "God willing."<br />
<br />
So then I quit my job and moved. Well, I started moving. This weekend I packed up my clothes and coffee maker, and started a new job today. I've done little else because I'm a procrastinator and justify my poorly thought out actions by saying I'm just taking it bit by bit. Which isn't totally untrue, as I have made some serious progress with painting and cleaning some old crap out that I have no use for and don't need to haul to a new city.<br />
<br />
Such as my wedding album. And the entire box I had kept of mementos from things my ex and I had done together throughout the course of our relationship. There were some bows from flowers he had bought, and a little plastic heart that decorated some kind of cake he had gotten me. There were programs and pamphlets from trips we had taken and things we had visited. There were movie tickets from dates. The prayer book from our wedding ceremony. The guest book from our wedding, which felt as lackluster as the relationship itself. There were plane tickets. Stuff from Ireland, the first international trip I had taken and the last trip we had together.<br />
<br />
I recalled all these events. The hotel we got downtown after a beer garden. Dinners we had after special occasions. "Just because" gifts and notes. How much fun Ireland was, even though at one point I wanted to leave him in a grocery store because he was dragging his heels when he walked. I recalled asking him to pick up his feet because the sound drove me nuts, and he made a point to just get louder.<br />
<br />
When I had started this blog, I had some plan to ceremoniously burn it all as some kind of closure. Maybe have friends over when it happened. Get a bottle of champagne. I don't really know, but I wanted to do something as some kind of sign that it was over.<br />
<br />
Instead, I threw it in the garbage can between loads of laundry and before I went to a workout. Looked through it, looked at the pictures in the album, and then tossed it all.<br />
<br />
If that wasn't the ultimate in "look how far I've come" I'm not sure what is.<br />
<br />
Well now that shit's actually happening in my life, I can get back to this.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13017357351474299489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5218225809947861603.post-66681461222605558052016-03-30T21:45:00.000-04:002016-03-30T21:45:06.081-04:00Practice what you non-religiously preach.Dieting is awful. You know what healthy foods are, and the importance of regular exercise. Maybe you even occasionally advise people on proper eating habits. But.... cake is so good. You shouldn't, but you do, and you'll remember it when you realize you haven't lost any weight in the past couple months. Immediate satisfaction becomes more important than long term health.<br />
<br />
For all my posturing of being happy alone and what it takes to have a healthy relationship, I fall into the very trap I've been working to avoid. It's like not being able to see the forest for the trees, except instead of a forest it's a relationship and instead of trees it's a man that's nice to me most of the time. Not even all the time. Not even that nice.<br />
<br />
Okay, actually he was that nice. Maybe that's what happened. He was nice and wanted to spend time with me and would initiate conversations. This set the stage for me to get attached and be open to the possibility of a relationship. I was attracted to him but I couldn't really give specific traits about him that I liked. He took me out? He bought dinner? He came over so I could cook? While it's appreciated, these aren't really qualities that win someone over. Especially when there are so many obvious red flags.<br />
<br />
See, after the divorce was finalized I wasn't sure what I would continue writing. I didn't want to make this a journal ("today I woke up late but I was just so sleepy!") or just talk about my moods. No, the purpose was to document this transition from separation to divorce to whatever comes after. And as it turns out, there's plenty to document! Like the rebound relationship. And how much it can suck when it ends, even when you're fully aware it wouldn't have lasted.<br />
<br />
Long story short, I was dumped because I didn't share his religious views. More specifically, I was dumped by someone I wasn't really dating because religion was very important to him and it wasn't to me. Or something. I don't know. There was some awkwardness and sadness and "let's be friends." (PS- don't be friends.) Despite being fully aware a long term relationship wouldn't work, I was hurt. This was rejection, and that was new...ish.<br />
<br />
The divorce was a big step, but it wasn't the end. Just because I'm free to move on with my life doesn't mean I'm suddenly well adjusted and perfectly happy. There's still a lot of progress to be made. I'm aware that I need to learn to be happy with myself before I can be in a healthy and happy relationship with anyone. But I've realized that I view a relationship as my "baseline" and it's not easy to go against that. Still, I have to figure it out and make the smart decision over the easy one.<br />
<br />
One day, you might find yourself "alone." You may ask yourself a tough question, one you don't deserve. One that feels like emotional abuse. But one you can't stop thinking about, that won't leave your head and just keeps popping up.<br />
<br />
"Why am I so easy to walk away from?"<br />
<br />
Maybe you won't wonder this, and I hope you don't. But, maybe you will, even if you don't know it. I wish I could answer that. I can tell you you're more than a relationship status, and you're not alone. That romantic involvement will not make everything okay. But I can't answer that question because I'm still asking myself that. Maybe one day I'll figure it out and be able to share that wisdom.<br />
<br />
In the meantime I think I'll just take some time to take my own advice and see this as an opportunity. And really, how boring would it be to get into a serious relationship with the first person I date after my divorce? What a waste of my single years.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13017357351474299489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5218225809947861603.post-18864766944434676692016-01-28T21:38:00.002-05:002016-01-28T21:38:35.453-05:00Petty LaBelle. Petty Mayonaise. Petty Murphy. Petty Pan.Well I'm divorced. The hearing was Tuesday, and took all of ten minutes. My marriage and a ten year relationship was legally ended within minutes. Perhaps the funniest part is remembering the planning and time that went into preparing for the wedding, only to have it all undone so quickly.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Maybe instead of a year long waiting period for divorce, we need a waiting period to be married. Then again it wouldn't have mattered in our case. As I mentioned, a third of my life was spent in that relationship. You'd think I'd have caught onto the red flags. Yet here we are!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I was getting more and more anxious in the hours leading up to the hearing. On the drive to the courthouse my stomach was in knots, and I had been listening to Alanis Morissette for a while. Even when I got there, and saw my almost totally ex husband and his fedora-wearing witness, nothing calmed within me. Until he spoke. I was reminded of his cold politeness, and the loneliness I had started to feel in our marriage. I felt reassured about my future and the change in status I'd have once I left the courthouse. I felt almost completely calm when I heard him dragging his heels when he walked. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
That noise always drove me crazy. Genuinely made me twitchy, enough to where I contemplated leaving him in a grocery store when we were in Ireland. The worst part was he would do it on purpose. But hey, not an issue any more. At least it's not my business how he chooses to walk.<br />
<br />
In fact, none of that is my business. What he does with his life now doesn't concern me, and hasn't for a long time. I've done everything I can to maintain a respectful distance between us, taking cues from his behavior. Especially when it comes to his girlfriend. I've wished them well, but done everything I can to avoid any interactions with her. I don't know her, I've never said a word to her, she isn't a thing in my life, and I've just hoped they'll be happy.<br />
<br />
So I don't know why she felt the need to brag about their divorce party on social media and call me Voldemort. I suppose she remembers Harry Potter very differently than I do. I definitely don't recall Voldemort avoiding parts of town where other people might be. Then again he was preoccupied with Harry and crew, and a little busy. So yeah, maybe he did ignore some other people.<br />
<br />
In case you're wondering the joke is that I may be Voldemort but they're still not my concern.<br />
<br />
But I've written before that I'm going to be honest about what happens when you're in these situations. And the truth is, no matter how hard you try you'll still be hurt. Everything tightened and I felt anxious and angry. I felt sad. I felt exhausted. I felt confused and hurt. I did nothing. I've wished them no ill will. I've told him that they both deserve to be happy. We all do. I get that they'd celebrate the end of all this; or at least that he would, because it actually involved him. But to make such a spectacle of it, and to say this about someone that actually is being impacted. I don't know what to do or how to react.<br />
<br />
At least two days ago I didn't. Today? I know to just leave it alone. What they have to say about me is still not my business. It will not help me. I know what I have to do to find my own happiness, and it doesn't involve them. I'm starting to resent this high-road approach, but I've been here long enough so I might as well keep going. Empathy has never been my strong suit, and I'm trying to comfort myself by saying it's what I'm doing.<br />
<br />
Lord grant me the patience and strength, because petty is so much easier.<br />
<br /></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13017357351474299489noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5218225809947861603.post-54447707093991106992016-01-24T17:01:00.001-05:002016-01-24T17:01:24.237-05:00I tried dating and it wasn't fun.<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">One thing I’ve learned is never go out with a guy that follows you on any social media. It makes it difficult to vent about how awkward everything was.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">My favorite part about that sentence is how it’ll make some men uncomfortable. Probably provides some insight into why I’m single. Well, that and I’m just mean spirited and have spent a lot of time cultivating a persona that’s as warm as a rattlesnake.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
A couple months ago, I signed up for one of those dating app things. I figured it was easy, free, and a good way to just dip a toe into the dating pool. However, no one warned me that dating pool was actually a treatment pond for industrial waste. I never found my Mr. Right, Mr. Right Now, or even a Mr. You'll Do. I did at least learn a lot about rejection, the art of ghosting, and that there are worse things than being alone. Oh, and got some good stories. That's very important, since so many of my decisions boil down to, "would this be a funny story?"</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I wish I had kept track of how many men I matched with, messaged, and what percent responded to me. Even smaller still, what percent I ended up meeting. However, I can tell you how many men I had a second date with! Two. There were two guys that I ever heard from again after the initial date. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Have you ever met someone you knew online, and they looked so different from their pictures that you wanted to ask for your money back? No money was exchanged, you just feel so betrayed by the misrepresentation it was like you'd been swindled. I wanted to yell at him, to be honest. Instead I just let him pay for the pizza. I regret that, actually. Because what followed was one of the most awkward set of social interactions I've ever had. Yes, that's plural. Yes, I saw him more than once. I felt bad for him! I thought that maybe he was just nervous and that's why he made really intense eye contact, or answered open ended questions with "....yeah." Sometimes he would just stop in the middle of a sentence like he forgot where he was. </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
As it turns out, that wasn't first date jitters. That's just him.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
One guy gave me this spiel that men didn't like it when women talked about previous sexual experiences, because it made them sound like whores. No details, just knowing that a woman wasn't a virgin was enough to bother him. </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
At some point, I stopped trying to act like an adult. As Bill Burr may or may not have said, you stop worrying about how something might sound and just start thinking, "Fuck it, let's see what happens." I wasn't interested in impressing these guys, and before the first date was over I started to worry about them asking for a second one. I told a few I was a feminist, knowing it would be enough to drive them off. In case you're wondering, it is pretty effective. I would recommend it for anyone caught in the same situation. </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Another time, I think the guy and I started a competition to see who could gross out the other. Actually, looking back that may have been one of the best dates I've been on. </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
These are extreme examples. Generally, there was just a total lack of chemistry and attraction. Not so much that there was anything particularly wrong with any of them, just that I didn't see them as compatible. I rarely left a date with an overly positive feeling. However, that didn't mean I didn't feel some sense of rejection when I never heard from them again. Even recently I had the "there's nothing here" conversation with a guy I had met through a friend. There were so many red flags around him, and I wasn't interested, but it still hurt a little when he said he felt the same way.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Rejection sucks, and dating is a series of rejections. Still, it's a little fun. The newness of getting to know someone. The flirting. The hoping that something works out. Letting a man pay for dinner and getting a free meal out of it. Even got a free donut one day!</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I think I'm done with the quantity approach. It's exhausting and frustrating and more than a little overwhelming. You see such a variety and so few are interesting. It's not just an issue of losing hope, but making sure you don't get... desperate. With each bad date, your standards drop just a little. </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
We'll see how it goes in the future. For now, I just need to focus on the important things in my life. Maybe that'll include someone else, maybe it won't. The lesson here was being single and alone is still better than being around someone you don't even like.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13017357351474299489noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5218225809947861603.post-60334970612190916082016-01-14T20:17:00.001-05:002016-01-14T20:17:08.105-05:00Friends in Low PlacesI've mentioned by depression before. I've written about it here and on social media. I've written about one of the lowest points where I was planning my suicide. So it's nothing new for anyone.<br />
<br />
One of my last posts was right as another episode began. This one was worse than usual, thanks to Wellbutrin. Just in case you weren't aware, "wellbutrin" is latin for "this is gonna fuck you up." Not only did it not do what it was supposed to, but for almost six weeks I was a terrified, anxious, paranoid mess. I'm not on that any more, and life is much better.<br />
<br />
I've always struggled with opening up to friends and asking for help. I like to think I've gotten better about reaching out to people without feeling like a burden. As I've told others, and struggle to remind myself, I don't have to go through this alone. Sometimes I can call a friend and ask if they want to join me while I get drunk in my shower.<br />
<br />
Now, here's where it gets random. I know who I can lean on. What I didn't know was that I could lean on my Ex Husband Within The Next Two Weeks. We're divorcing because we weren't happy together, but you don't spend almost a decade of your life with someone and write them off entirely. We both agreed we still cared about one another, and he was amazingly supportive and did what he could to get me out of that depression. He talked to me and even helped me get some stuff fixed around my house.<br />
<br />
It was really comforting to have something so familiar around, and to be able to talk to someone that has seen me go through this before. We've grown apart, but at one point there was no one closer to me. Still, after everything I was reassured that I'm on the right path. It was great to catch up and talk to him, but more as a matter of closure. That chapter is done and we've both moved on in our own ways.<br />
<br />
So, join me next time. Where I discuss the fun vacation with my dad and how I joined a dating app.<br />
<br />
I did it for the stories. You should thank me.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13017357351474299489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5218225809947861603.post-60515437834638730902015-10-14T19:58:00.002-04:002015-10-14T19:58:44.344-04:00Thank you.It's interesting to read my outlook on my own life in the earlier posts in this blog, then compare that to my last two entries. Well, I did say this wouldn't be a straight line toward a happy new life. The reality of it is this is just something many people deal with. I am happy to say that I'm taking steps to learn to cope with and control my life. It's just not easy when your own brain is fighting you. <div>
<br /></div>
<div>
My brain is such an asshole sometimes.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This is a bit of a thank you post. Thank you, dear reader, for being there. Since I've started this blog, I've been overwhelmed with the amount of people that have reached out to share their own stories or offer comfort. I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate each person that has read, commented, or contacted me. Your reactions and support have really meant the world to me, and you've helped me get through this.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
When I started writing it was mostly as self-assigned therapy. I really just wanted to get all of these thoughts out of my own head, in a way that would allow me to follow my own progress. For whatever reason, I decided to publish these to a public space that would allow me to share this journey. I am so happy I did. It really means a lot when you tell me you can relate, that it's helped you understand a family member, or just that you've enjoyed reading this. </div>
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<div>
I especially love it when people compliment my writing. My thankfulness doesn't interfere with my own ego. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Thank you to the friends I've made through this process. Thank you to the people that remind me I'm not alone, and this isn't the end. Thank you to the people that have said they've connected with my writing. I hope this continues to help people in some way. Knowing it's had a positive influence on others has given me a purpose. I started writing to help myself, but it's really you all that have helped me.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13017357351474299489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5218225809947861603.post-71214086095213642082015-09-30T17:50:00.000-04:002015-09-30T17:50:30.792-04:00I have no idea what I'm talking about.<div class="MsoNormal">
I find it a little irritating when people say things like,
“you’re strong, I can’t imagine you crying.” These things aren’t mutually
exclusive. People will have feelings, and that’s okay. Those emotions don’t
always mean you’re a weak person, just that you’re a person.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So about my last post. Little dark, huh? It happens. Rarely,
but it happens. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m not depressed because I’m going through a divorce. I’m
just depressed and have been for as long as I can remember.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It comes in phases of varying severity and
duration. Sometimes I’m just sad, sometimes it feels like what I described to
you all, and sometimes it’s worse. Now, this isn’t just because of the divorce.
The divorce is just a huge change in my life that has forced me to seek new
ways to cope.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At least I had thought so. The more I think about it, the
more I realize the Almost Ex didn’t really know how to deal with it. Sometimes
that makes me sad, and sometimes I just get angry. Or I feel guilty, because
maybe I didn’t listen to him when he did try. Or tell him how to try. Except
for that time I said I just needed a hug and he gave me the
random-person-at-church-side-hug. Still a little bitter about that. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve always tried to frame this blog around honesty about my
experiences and how it can apply to anyone else, or maybe help anyone else
understand what someone they love is going through. Not just divorce, mind you,
but some huge shifting in their life. Anything that leaves someone standing
there and thinking, “now what?” It’s common, it happens, and just because you
find yourself in a bad spot doesn’t mean you’re too weak to get through it. It
just means you’re human and you have the same human emotions we all do. Unless
you’re some kind of empathy-lacking narcissist and well, good for you. Not
really a badge of honor, and you should probably talk to someone about it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That post is probably the last time I’ll go into detail
about the depression here. I have friends and medication for that. I just want
to make something clear to anyone that reads it and understands it: you’re not
alone. Don’t do it alone. You know when to keep up appearances and present the
happy face to the world, but don’t be afraid to reach out to someone and tell
them how you feel. Too often we isolate ourselves for fear of judgment or the
perception of being fragile and weak. We’re worried people will think we’re
damaged or find us annoying. Don’t fall for that. People love you and want to
help you. If someone doesn’t, you don’t need that negativity in your life
anyway. If you’re reading this and rolling your eyes, please fuck off. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you’re reading this and know someone who is going through
something difficult, ask how they are. Be a friend and be there for them. Just
tell them you’re there and you care. Try to not make it rhyme though, because
that’s annoying.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Now back to me, where focus should always be. I’m not okay,
to be honest, but I know I will be. Just as courage isn’t the absence of fear,
strength is not the absence of difficulty. That I occasionally find myself
drunk and crying in the shower doesn’t mean I won’t get through it. The water’s
going to get cold and force me out at some point. Now I just get to try it on
my own, but I’m starting to see that it's not a new feeling. But there's almost a sense of peace about being able to not rely on someone else for happiness. I don't know that I'm at that point yet, but I know I will be.<o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13017357351474299489noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5218225809947861603.post-71576583053143670382015-09-01T19:40:00.001-04:002015-09-01T19:40:44.129-04:00And then I just lost it.I found an injured frog in my driveway yesterday. It had a hurt, but not broken, back leg and it was just kind of pushing itself along. I picked it up and put it in the grass, and actually checked on it throughout the evening. This morning I found it covered in fire ants, but it was still alive. I (really, I'm serious) wiped off the ants and moved the little injured frog into a part of my yard with higher grass and some good shade. I had no idea what to do but for whatever reason I couldn't just leave this little frog alone. When I got home and went to check on it, it was dead.<br />
<br />
I just started sobbing. Ugly cry, audible, can't-see-through-tears crying.<br />
<br />
It wasn't the frog. I'm aware infections are an issue for them, because I googled it. I don't know how the frog was even injured. I kind of assumed it would die.<br />
<br />
A few days ago marked the anniversary of That Night. The night we suffered a terrible loss to Texas A&M and everything came to a head and my husband told me he was leaving. Not because of the game, but that was a tough loss. It was just when I'd made it painfully clear how much was wrong.<br />
<br />
I did warn you, dear reader, that this would get uncomfortable and awkward. I wasn't exaggerating.<br />
<br />
For the past few weeks, I kept making mental notes about the date. I had some mild trepidation as it got closer, but I started to feel more confident in myself and how I was handling everything. Finally, the day was here- and I totally forgot. It never even occurred to me that it was one year since the split, and I didn't even think about it until the next night. The had passed, I totally forgot, and I didn't have a breakdown!<br />
<br />
And then I remembered. And then came the breakdown. Holy mental anguish, Batman.<br />
<br />
It's weird how things I barely noticed before suddenly just stabbed me in the heart. Some of them really obvious, such as the passwords that are my wedding date because I'm too lazy to change them. Or that video of the kid singing "Broken Vow" on The Voice. (The kid sounds amazing, really. You should listen.) Others came out of nowhere. Love-centric decorations I had taken down in my office and packed up, but found when I was trying to clean. That god damned Timehop app with its less than subtle reminders. Names of common friends that aren't my friends anymore and I basically have three people left in my life and jesus I'm going to die alone.<br />
<br />
I'll finish school this December, and today I was filling out my graduation application. Since their records are a carry over from undergrad, they still have my maiden name on file. For months I've been pretty excited to change it back from my married name. Still, remembering his name just made me think of that relationship and the future we had planned. I lost it.<br />
<br />
Most days, you get by. Most days you're actually happy. But sometimes, you aren't. Some days you can't find any kind of good in your life and you really don't care enough to try. (Well, I can't speak for you. I guess it's just me, but I know I'm not alone in this.) Some days, the only reason I'm still at my desk is because I've been crying and I'm too scared to leave and risk someone seeing me. Some days you don't remember the silver lining. There isn't a silver lining. There isn't a light at the end of the tunnel or a positive side to anything and that shitty little teeter-totter that is my life isn't going back up.<br />
<br />
Some days, you sob because that frog died and it just makes you feel helpless and incapable of doing anything right. Some days you know you're the worst thing that's ever happened to you. Some nights you don't go to bed thinking everything's better and you'll be better. Some nights you just go to bed, and hope you won't feel this way when you wake up.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13017357351474299489noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5218225809947861603.post-83393916805660262852015-07-28T18:55:00.000-04:002015-07-28T18:55:27.857-04:00And I ran.<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve spent weeks trying to think of a clever intro for this
post. I’ll sit down to write, but then it reads like one of those
pay-to-publish novels by people that can’t stop talking about themselves even when everyone has stopped reading.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So anyway, let me tell you about what’s been bothering me
lately.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The thought of having a boyfriend makes me ill. It makes me
want to just run away. If I get a text from a guy that implies anything more
than friendship, I can’t stop thinking about dropping my phone and just running
away from it. Literally.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t want to sound ungrateful. (Though we all know I’m
pretty misanthropic so there’s always a hint of general disdain for mankind in
my actions. It’s what makes me, me.) Still, it’s flattering that anyone would
volunteer to spend any amount of time with me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think it’s sweet when friends or coworkers
or people I’ve spoken with once tell me they know the perfect guy for me. It’s
a compliment that someone thinks enough of me to not only set me up with a
friend of theirs, but also wants to see me happy.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Which is where the disconnect is. I’m not unhappy. I’m
actually very happy with my life right now. For the first time in nearly ten
years I’m on my own, and can do whatever I want. Yes, I sometimes miss my
husband. Yes, divorce is hard and it’s hard to see the future I had planned
falling apart. There are still a lot of those moments when it’s difficult to
cope. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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But there are so many great moments, and as time goes on
those happy moods are more and more frequent. I love that I can spend time with
friends, take a day trip, or just do nothing. I’m not being held accountable to
anyone else. I’m responsible for and own my own life, all the good and bad
things about it. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I’m just not keen on letting someone else into my space, and
that’s okay. I don’t need someone there constantly asking what we’re doing.
Someone that I have to consider with any decision I make. Or someone that’ll
come over to my house and mess with my Netflix queue. It takes time to really
personalize it!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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It’s fun to flirt and chat with people, sure. But at the end
of the day I really like going home alone. I’m a firm believer in learning to
be happy with me before I even try to be happy with someone else. I want to be
comfortable with who I am, so that if I ever start dating it’ll be with someone
I want in my life instead of someone I need in my life. I want to be able to
share that happiness and not depend on someone else for it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Plus, I want to order whatever kind of pizza I want. The
only ones I’m sharing with are the dogs, and they aren’t picky.<o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13017357351474299489noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5218225809947861603.post-80397960114110690962015-05-21T23:20:00.001-04:002015-05-21T23:23:49.692-04:00To Adventure!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<img border="0" height="182" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsJWFWH_TLHGGgEpIoLhJ-exFTocYE33wzyM8jG_uAkKR7_0wcmgOS0nqmMaT-FIMQlrRqfbrXLbiFg92Qf479u8nuMHWhyphenhyphen2XmwvRWw5XEqwgJMsyz8byIbs0JcC2SeboYux1J7UyOAZo/s400/IMG_6877.JPG" width="400" /></div>
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<br />
It dawned on me that this blog was meant to chronicle my life as a single woman after ten years in a relationship. I should probably add some adventure so it doesn't seem like I've spent my time drinking beer in the shower and crying.<br />
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Just kidding, that only happened once.</div>
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A couple months ago I took a vacation to Germany to see my brother, as mentioned in the post about being in O'Hare airport. I'd like to add that I did give into their olfactory-based marketing plan and had a pizza. It was airport pizza, but it was still delicious. I have no regrets considering the quality of the food on Schmunited.</div>
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I landed on a Friday morning in Amsterdam at roughly 10:00am. I've gotten pretty good at navigating the trains, and had found the route to the Hauptbanhof (that means main station) before I lost wifi signal- and therefore use of my phone. Thanks to that, and a kind older gentleman originally from Columbia, I was able to make my way to the city. Now from there, it was an absolute clusterfuck as I tried to find my hotel. The ticket kiosks made no sense, the attendant wasn't around, and I spent at least 45 minutes wandering around like a lost puppy with all of my bags in tow. When I finally made it to my hotel it was near 2:00pm. Happily, that meant by brother's train would be in soon! It only took me 20 minutes to walk back to the station.<br />
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Amsterdam was lovely. No, we didn't do any drugs.<br />
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I stayed at my brother's flat in Hanover during the trip, which saved not a small amount money. Plus Hanover is a lovely city and fun to wander around. Thanks to Germany's amazing rail system, traveling to any other city for a day trip was simple and stress-free. The trains are incredibly reliable, except for that day a man in his underwear climbed onto one of the stations and stopped everything around him. That was exciting.<br />
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Since my brother works for a living, most of my daytime adventures were solo. The thought of doing this was initially daunting. I hear a lot of "I could never travel by myself" from other people. Still, I had come this far. I could either get out and see these cities and have this experience or sit around in an apartment in Germany watching Netflix all day. I learned Orphan Black is a great binge watch.<br />
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So, I got out. I walked around Hanover and followed their Red Thread tour, and had day trips into Berlin and Hamburg. I expected to feel alone, and I did. I felt it in the mornings, when I was walking about before anyone else back home had woken up. I felt it as I was staring at Brandenburger Tor and had no one to share that with.<br />
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I set goals for myself. Sometimes the goals are to get out of bed and put real pants on. The pants one is a big step; they're awful and uncomfortable and if I'm being honest, oppressive. Still, as time goes on the goals get bigger. I want to understand that I'm not alone. I have friends that I can harass with early morning text messages. Most importantly, I have me. I'll always have me, whether I want to or not, so I might as well learn what that means. I want to be happy with myself, and reflect on who I am and who I want to be. I don't know where I fit into this world without my soon to be ex. I don't know who Layla is outside of Charlie and Layla.<br />
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But I'm learning. I've learned Layla loves things like flying across an ocean and wandering new cities to see history she's only read about.<br />
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I've said this isn't easy, but even during my worst moments I will struggle to remind myself that I cannot stop. I cannot let this knock me down and beat me because I have too much life in front of me to live. I will not be defeated and left to wallow in heartbreak. Millions before me have done this and billions after me will, too. People will say there's no way of knowing what lies ahead of us, and to an extent that's true. But we shape our own future. The decisions we make and paths we choose to walk determine who we will become. I may not know who I am, but I know who I am not and I am not someone that will lay down and die.<br />
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I want to be that person that isn't afraid of what lies ahead and walks fearlessly down that wooded path until she finds her way out. I'm not there yet, but at least I'm heading in that direction.<br />
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Anyway, here's other awesome things I saw, did, or ate. And ate. I ate everything. All of the things. I framed a picture of pastries in my home because it was that important to me. I also had a beer at the Hofbrauhaus and spent my birthday weekend with my brother and his girlfriend at Neuschwanstein Castle.<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13017357351474299489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5218225809947861603.post-23015858136935623252015-05-07T16:58:00.000-04:002015-05-07T16:58:19.141-04:00Paragraph IV(a)(3)<div class="MsoNormal">
There are a few things, in a divorce, that each party
“claims” that don’t appear in the settlement papers. Of all of these, the
friends are probably the ones you’ll notice most. Maybe it’ll happen gradually,
with their texts and invitations slowly dwindling. Or it’ll be like my
experience, and everyone will immediately pretend like they never knew you. I
think I once witnessed someone hiding from me in public. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sure, I’m that person now. My choices are what led to this
situation and I accept that. I certainly don’t blame any of these people at
all. They were his friends first, or dating his friends, and that’s how it
happens. Still, it doesn’t feel any better knowing there’s a totally rational
reason for it. I may understand why, but then the self-doubt kicks in and I
wonder if any of them even liked me to begin with. I had a lot of fun with this
group; they’re all hilarious and so great to talk to. Yet once he made the
announcement (….really?) that was it. No more. Some were probably even grateful
I wouldn’t be around. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now here’s where it gets awkward. I still follow a lot of
these people on social media. I just never had a reason to unfollow or unfriend
anyone. Until recently, that is. There was a beautiful wedding, with beautiful
pictures. And in the background of some of these beautiful pictures, I saw my
soon to be ex-husband and… someone.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can give you a long list of reasons why I shouldn’t care.
It’s not like I didn’t expect this to happen. It’s not like I thought I would
live out the rest of my days blissfully unaware. The logical part of me knows
this was inevitable, and that I really have no right to be upset. But that
doesn’t mean I’m not going to react or be hurt. One of the things I’ve learned
is that just because we shouldn’t be hurt doesn’t mean we won’t be. You might
be fully aware of how it’ll feel if you get punched in the gut, but it’ll still
knock the wind out of you. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That was a fun moment. It does me no good to leave that
avenue open. And it’s not like I’m losing anything if we’re being honest. Since
being on my own, I’ve had the chance to make such great new friends and
reconnect with people I had neglected. I’m moving on in many ways, myself.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So maybe that’s this week’s lesson. You move on and move
forward. Like I said last week, it’s never easy but you don’t really have a
choice. And it’s okay to feel hurt, because no matter how well prepared you
think you are, shit happens. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some cleaning to
do.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13017357351474299489noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5218225809947861603.post-57246175600006849982015-04-29T20:48:00.002-04:002015-04-29T20:57:27.529-04:00With This Ring?Divorce is never easy. It can be devastating, crippling. It can be freeing and give you a new purpose in your life. Divorce can be many things, but it's never easy. There's nothing easy about looking someone in the face and telling them you just can't continue, or hearing whatever their response is going to be. It's not easy to go to a lawyer and divvy up the life you've built together. It's not easy to tell people and expose your failures.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It's oddly easy for me to write a blog about it, but we're all different.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I've made it because I have no other choice. For a while, it felt like everything around me was crumbling to the ground. Some days I wanted to lay around and sob, but I always had something to do. Life doesn't stop even if I feel like I have. So, I pushed it all down and pretty soon I started to just not feel it any more. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Divorce isn't easy, but I know we'll both be happier going our separate ways. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
That didn't make it any easier when I gave him my wedding rings. We barely had any contact over several months when he came to collect some of this things. The engagement ring was a family heirloom, and under no circumstances could I keep that from him. So he came over, I handed him the rings, and he left in a hurry since he had plans. I stood there and watched him go, heard his truck start, and listened as the sound grew fainter as he drove away. In the silence I was suddenly aware of my own breathing, and how choked I felt. It was like trying to swallow a pill that just won't go down, leaving a weight in your chest and making you feel like your throat might close.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Handing him the rings he put on my hand felt final. It was a hurdle to get over and a step toward healing, sure. But if you ask anyone that's gone through something like this, the path to acceptance and happiness isn't a gradient from black to white. It's a path in the woods that'll loop around itself, with patches of light and darkness along the way.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
People have pointed out I seem different, and in many ways happier. This divorce has been as simple as one could hope. Sometimes, I even call it amicable. It's the impetus to set me on a journey to get out of my comfort zone and find where I need to be.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But it's never easy. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13017357351474299489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5218225809947861603.post-16509972022322421772015-04-06T18:35:00.000-04:002015-04-06T18:35:48.554-04:00Flying Solo. Literally.<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m sitting at some charging station in O’Hare airport. My
phone’s nearly dead, so it’s on airplane mode while it charges.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also learned that the current version of
iTunes on my Mac doesn’t support Quicktime, so I won’t be watching Downton
Abbey until said phone is charged.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Here’s a fun fact about this airport: it smells like pizza.
Everywhere. If that’s some ploy to encourage travelers to buy food and drive
revenue, it’s a brilliant and delicious one. I’m screwed if they ever start
pumping in the smell of Thin Mints.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
#LaylaFliestoGermany: Part Deux is finally underway. My
flight yesterday was cancelled due to weather and poor planning on the part of
the airline I’m flying with. To remain professional, I won’t name it as I’m
sure this trip will be mostly complaints about how this airline does business.
Let’s just say it rhymes with Schmunited. Also worth noting, Schmunited doesn’t
give snacks during their flights. Delta gives snacks. Delta gave me free
cookies on a flight from Charlotte to Charleston. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ll be spending a weekend in Amsterdam with my brother, and
then a week and a half in Hanover. I haven’t taken a solo trip since the
separation, save the long weekend last time I came to see my brother. Really,
I’m still not alone this time but I will have daytime to myself to ride around
northern Germany. I’ve always worried that doing anything alone would be awful.
I’d have no one to share the experience with, or share a meal with, or get lost
with. Then it dawned on me that I can still eat and enjoy myself, and now I
don’t need to worry about someone poopooing my ideas of places to visit. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Over the past few months, I’ve learned to really appreciate
being alone. Perhaps I should say I’ve learned to appreciate spending time with
myself, because the other thing I’ve learned is that I’m not alone or lonely.
It’s an important thing to realize but we’ll get to that in another post.
Still, I’ve found I like not having anyone else to answer to. If Layla wants to
watch Justified or Downton Abbey all night while she makes ravioli for dinner,
Layla will. There’s no one to change the TV or say they don’t like the meal I cooked.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I want to fly to Germany for
vacation, I’m flying to Germany and enjoying the time I get to spend with my
brother while I do whatever else I want. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This isn’t to say the time and trips with my former spouse
were unpleasant. We had a fantastic trip to Ireland, and typically enjoyed one
another’s company. This isn’t about him at all. This is about me, and that’s a
phrase I haven’t been able to say for nearly a decade. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This trip is about me, and doing what I want to do. More
importantly, this trip and experience is about me realizing I <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">can</b> do whatever I want. I don’t need
someone else to give me the courage that I should have in myself. I can be
alone and still have a wonderful and fulfilling life. And really, shouldn’t we
all know that? Fear of being alone because we think it’s an empty existence is
how we end up in unhealthy relationships. We just think being with someone we
aren’t happy with is better than being alone. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If I ever get into a serious relationship again, I want it
to be because I want that person in my life and not because I just need to have
someone there. I would also like it if that person doesn’t expect me to wear
real pants all the time, or will bankroll vacations, or is Tom Hiddleston.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I think these are totally reasonable expectations. And if I
never find someone, I’m still happy.<o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13017357351474299489noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5218225809947861603.post-7560863463811309772015-01-06T21:42:00.001-05:002015-01-06T21:42:10.670-05:00Welcome My name is Layla. I'm (reasonably) smart, funny, and doing well for myself. I'll also be divorced before I'm 30.<div>
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We never imagine we'll be a statistic. The failure of a marriage is something that happens to everyone else, and we'll be the ones to last forever. At least that's what we tell ourselves. Looking back, I can't help but wonder who I was trying to convince.</div>
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And yet, here I am. Learning to navigate a single life I've never really lived. Which is where this blog comes in. We all have our ways of coping. </div>
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I can't tell you what this will be. I can tell you it won't be a planned sitcom with a happy ending. It won't be filled with a big adventure every week as I learn to find myself. It won't be a modern version of Sex and the City.</div>
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It won't be the tale of an underdog, making her way in a big wide world. Because I am not the underdog. I am not the one you bet against. I have a tendency to make it through the fire, even if I'm the one that started it.</div>
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This will be an adventure into territory I never thought I would experience. It'll be funny and sad, and probably more than a little awkward.</div>
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It'll also probably include a lot of Netflix reviews. Because that's pretty much what I do now.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13017357351474299489noreply@blogger.com1