I’ve spent weeks trying to think of a clever intro for this
post. I’ll sit down to write, but then it reads like one of those
pay-to-publish novels by people that can’t stop talking about themselves even when everyone has stopped reading.
So anyway, let me tell you about what’s been bothering me
lately.
The thought of having a boyfriend makes me ill. It makes me
want to just run away. If I get a text from a guy that implies anything more
than friendship, I can’t stop thinking about dropping my phone and just running
away from it. Literally.
I don’t want to sound ungrateful. (Though we all know I’m
pretty misanthropic so there’s always a hint of general disdain for mankind in
my actions. It’s what makes me, me.) Still, it’s flattering that anyone would
volunteer to spend any amount of time with me. I think it’s sweet when friends or coworkers
or people I’ve spoken with once tell me they know the perfect guy for me. It’s
a compliment that someone thinks enough of me to not only set me up with a
friend of theirs, but also wants to see me happy.
Which is where the disconnect is. I’m not unhappy. I’m
actually very happy with my life right now. For the first time in nearly ten
years I’m on my own, and can do whatever I want. Yes, I sometimes miss my
husband. Yes, divorce is hard and it’s hard to see the future I had planned
falling apart. There are still a lot of those moments when it’s difficult to
cope.
But there are so many great moments, and as time goes on
those happy moods are more and more frequent. I love that I can spend time with
friends, take a day trip, or just do nothing. I’m not being held accountable to
anyone else. I’m responsible for and own my own life, all the good and bad
things about it.
I’m just not keen on letting someone else into my space, and
that’s okay. I don’t need someone there constantly asking what we’re doing.
Someone that I have to consider with any decision I make. Or someone that’ll
come over to my house and mess with my Netflix queue. It takes time to really
personalize it!
It’s fun to flirt and chat with people, sure. But at the end
of the day I really like going home alone. I’m a firm believer in learning to
be happy with me before I even try to be happy with someone else. I want to be
comfortable with who I am, so that if I ever start dating it’ll be with someone
I want in my life instead of someone I need in my life. I want to be able to
share that happiness and not depend on someone else for it.
Plus, I want to order whatever kind of pizza I want. The
only ones I’m sharing with are the dogs, and they aren’t picky.
