Wednesday, September 30, 2015

I have no idea what I'm talking about.

I find it a little irritating when people say things like, “you’re strong, I can’t imagine you crying.” These things aren’t mutually exclusive. People will have feelings, and that’s okay. Those emotions don’t always mean you’re a weak person, just that you’re a person.

So about my last post. Little dark, huh? It happens. Rarely, but it happens.

I’m not depressed because I’m going through a divorce. I’m just depressed and have been for as long as I can remember.  It comes in phases of varying severity and duration. Sometimes I’m just sad, sometimes it feels like what I described to you all, and sometimes it’s worse. Now, this isn’t just because of the divorce. The divorce is just a huge change in my life that has forced me to seek new ways to cope.

At least I had thought so. The more I think about it, the more I realize the Almost Ex didn’t really know how to deal with it. Sometimes that makes me sad, and sometimes I just get angry. Or I feel guilty, because maybe I didn’t listen to him when he did try. Or tell him how to try. Except for that time I said I just needed a hug and he gave me the random-person-at-church-side-hug. Still a little bitter about that.

I’ve always tried to frame this blog around honesty about my experiences and how it can apply to anyone else, or maybe help anyone else understand what someone they love is going through. Not just divorce, mind you, but some huge shifting in their life. Anything that leaves someone standing there and thinking, “now what?” It’s common, it happens, and just because you find yourself in a bad spot doesn’t mean you’re too weak to get through it. It just means you’re human and you have the same human emotions we all do. Unless you’re some kind of empathy-lacking narcissist and well, good for you. Not really a badge of honor, and you should probably talk to someone about it.

That post is probably the last time I’ll go into detail about the depression here. I have friends and medication for that. I just want to make something clear to anyone that reads it and understands it: you’re not alone. Don’t do it alone. You know when to keep up appearances and present the happy face to the world, but don’t be afraid to reach out to someone and tell them how you feel. Too often we isolate ourselves for fear of judgment or the perception of being fragile and weak. We’re worried people will think we’re damaged or find us annoying. Don’t fall for that. People love you and want to help you. If someone doesn’t, you don’t need that negativity in your life anyway. If you’re reading this and rolling your eyes, please fuck off.

If you’re reading this and know someone who is going through something difficult, ask how they are. Be a friend and be there for them. Just tell them you’re there and you care. Try to not make it rhyme though, because that’s annoying.

Now back to me, where focus should always be. I’m not okay, to be honest, but I know I will be. Just as courage isn’t the absence of fear, strength is not the absence of difficulty. That I occasionally find myself drunk and crying in the shower doesn’t mean I won’t get through it. The water’s going to get cold and force me out at some point. Now I just get to try it on my own, but I’m starting to see that it's not a new feeling. But there's almost a sense of peace about being able to not rely on someone else for happiness. I don't know that I'm at that point yet, but I know I will be.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

And then I just lost it.

I found an injured frog in my driveway yesterday. It had a hurt, but not broken, back leg and it was just kind of pushing itself along. I picked it up and put it in the grass, and actually checked on it throughout the evening. This morning I found it covered in fire ants, but it was still alive. I (really, I'm serious) wiped off the ants and moved the little injured frog into a part of my yard with higher grass and some good shade. I had no idea what to do but for whatever reason I couldn't just leave this little frog alone. When I got home and went to check on it, it was dead.

I just started sobbing. Ugly cry, audible, can't-see-through-tears crying.

It wasn't the frog. I'm aware infections are an issue for them, because I googled it. I don't know how the frog was even injured. I kind of assumed it would die.

A few days ago marked the anniversary of That Night. The night we suffered a terrible loss to Texas A&M and everything came to a head and my husband told me he was leaving. Not because of the game, but that was a tough loss. It was just when I'd made it painfully clear how much was wrong.

I did warn you, dear reader, that this would get uncomfortable and awkward. I wasn't exaggerating.

For the past few weeks, I kept making mental notes about the date. I had some mild trepidation as it got closer, but I started to feel more confident in myself and how I was handling everything. Finally, the day was here- and I totally forgot. It never even occurred to me that it was one year since the split, and I didn't even think about it until the next night. The had passed, I totally forgot, and I didn't have a breakdown!

And then I remembered. And then came the breakdown. Holy mental anguish, Batman.

It's weird how things I barely noticed before suddenly just stabbed me in the heart. Some of them really obvious, such as the passwords that are my wedding date because I'm too lazy to change them. Or that video of the kid singing "Broken Vow" on The Voice. (The kid sounds amazing, really. You should listen.) Others came out of nowhere. Love-centric decorations I had taken down in my office and packed up, but found when I was trying to clean. That god damned Timehop app with its less than subtle reminders. Names of common friends that aren't my friends anymore and I basically have three people left in my life and jesus I'm going to die alone.

I'll finish school this December, and today I was filling out my graduation application. Since their records are a carry over from undergrad, they still have my maiden name on file. For months I've been pretty excited to change it back from my married name. Still, remembering his name just made me think of that relationship and the future we had planned. I lost it.

Most days, you get by. Most days you're actually happy. But sometimes, you aren't. Some days you can't find any kind of good in your life and you really don't care enough to try. (Well, I can't speak for you. I guess it's just me, but I know I'm not alone in this.) Some days, the only reason I'm still at my desk is because I've been crying and I'm too scared to leave and risk someone seeing me. Some days you don't remember the silver lining. There isn't a silver lining. There isn't a light at the end of the tunnel or a positive side to anything and that shitty little teeter-totter that is my life isn't going back up.

Some days, you sob because that frog died and it just makes you feel helpless and incapable of doing anything right. Some days you know you're the worst thing that's ever happened to you. Some nights you don't go to bed thinking everything's better and you'll be better. Some nights you just go to bed, and hope you won't feel this way when you wake up.