Wednesday, September 30, 2015

I have no idea what I'm talking about.

I find it a little irritating when people say things like, “you’re strong, I can’t imagine you crying.” These things aren’t mutually exclusive. People will have feelings, and that’s okay. Those emotions don’t always mean you’re a weak person, just that you’re a person.

So about my last post. Little dark, huh? It happens. Rarely, but it happens.

I’m not depressed because I’m going through a divorce. I’m just depressed and have been for as long as I can remember.  It comes in phases of varying severity and duration. Sometimes I’m just sad, sometimes it feels like what I described to you all, and sometimes it’s worse. Now, this isn’t just because of the divorce. The divorce is just a huge change in my life that has forced me to seek new ways to cope.

At least I had thought so. The more I think about it, the more I realize the Almost Ex didn’t really know how to deal with it. Sometimes that makes me sad, and sometimes I just get angry. Or I feel guilty, because maybe I didn’t listen to him when he did try. Or tell him how to try. Except for that time I said I just needed a hug and he gave me the random-person-at-church-side-hug. Still a little bitter about that.

I’ve always tried to frame this blog around honesty about my experiences and how it can apply to anyone else, or maybe help anyone else understand what someone they love is going through. Not just divorce, mind you, but some huge shifting in their life. Anything that leaves someone standing there and thinking, “now what?” It’s common, it happens, and just because you find yourself in a bad spot doesn’t mean you’re too weak to get through it. It just means you’re human and you have the same human emotions we all do. Unless you’re some kind of empathy-lacking narcissist and well, good for you. Not really a badge of honor, and you should probably talk to someone about it.

That post is probably the last time I’ll go into detail about the depression here. I have friends and medication for that. I just want to make something clear to anyone that reads it and understands it: you’re not alone. Don’t do it alone. You know when to keep up appearances and present the happy face to the world, but don’t be afraid to reach out to someone and tell them how you feel. Too often we isolate ourselves for fear of judgment or the perception of being fragile and weak. We’re worried people will think we’re damaged or find us annoying. Don’t fall for that. People love you and want to help you. If someone doesn’t, you don’t need that negativity in your life anyway. If you’re reading this and rolling your eyes, please fuck off.

If you’re reading this and know someone who is going through something difficult, ask how they are. Be a friend and be there for them. Just tell them you’re there and you care. Try to not make it rhyme though, because that’s annoying.

Now back to me, where focus should always be. I’m not okay, to be honest, but I know I will be. Just as courage isn’t the absence of fear, strength is not the absence of difficulty. That I occasionally find myself drunk and crying in the shower doesn’t mean I won’t get through it. The water’s going to get cold and force me out at some point. Now I just get to try it on my own, but I’m starting to see that it's not a new feeling. But there's almost a sense of peace about being able to not rely on someone else for happiness. I don't know that I'm at that point yet, but I know I will be.


  1. Trying to put words on something that often feels expressionless is difficult, but you've always had a way with words.
    And for that, we thank you…