Tuesday, September 1, 2015

And then I just lost it.

I found an injured frog in my driveway yesterday. It had a hurt, but not broken, back leg and it was just kind of pushing itself along. I picked it up and put it in the grass, and actually checked on it throughout the evening. This morning I found it covered in fire ants, but it was still alive. I (really, I'm serious) wiped off the ants and moved the little injured frog into a part of my yard with higher grass and some good shade. I had no idea what to do but for whatever reason I couldn't just leave this little frog alone. When I got home and went to check on it, it was dead.

I just started sobbing. Ugly cry, audible, can't-see-through-tears crying.

It wasn't the frog. I'm aware infections are an issue for them, because I googled it. I don't know how the frog was even injured. I kind of assumed it would die.

A few days ago marked the anniversary of That Night. The night we suffered a terrible loss to Texas A&M and everything came to a head and my husband told me he was leaving. Not because of the game, but that was a tough loss. It was just when I'd made it painfully clear how much was wrong.

I did warn you, dear reader, that this would get uncomfortable and awkward. I wasn't exaggerating.

For the past few weeks, I kept making mental notes about the date. I had some mild trepidation as it got closer, but I started to feel more confident in myself and how I was handling everything. Finally, the day was here- and I totally forgot. It never even occurred to me that it was one year since the split, and I didn't even think about it until the next night. The had passed, I totally forgot, and I didn't have a breakdown!

And then I remembered. And then came the breakdown. Holy mental anguish, Batman.

It's weird how things I barely noticed before suddenly just stabbed me in the heart. Some of them really obvious, such as the passwords that are my wedding date because I'm too lazy to change them. Or that video of the kid singing "Broken Vow" on The Voice. (The kid sounds amazing, really. You should listen.) Others came out of nowhere. Love-centric decorations I had taken down in my office and packed up, but found when I was trying to clean. That god damned Timehop app with its less than subtle reminders. Names of common friends that aren't my friends anymore and I basically have three people left in my life and jesus I'm going to die alone.

I'll finish school this December, and today I was filling out my graduation application. Since their records are a carry over from undergrad, they still have my maiden name on file. For months I've been pretty excited to change it back from my married name. Still, remembering his name just made me think of that relationship and the future we had planned. I lost it.

Most days, you get by. Most days you're actually happy. But sometimes, you aren't. Some days you can't find any kind of good in your life and you really don't care enough to try. (Well, I can't speak for you. I guess it's just me, but I know I'm not alone in this.) Some days, the only reason I'm still at my desk is because I've been crying and I'm too scared to leave and risk someone seeing me. Some days you don't remember the silver lining. There isn't a silver lining. There isn't a light at the end of the tunnel or a positive side to anything and that shitty little teeter-totter that is my life isn't going back up.

Some days, you sob because that frog died and it just makes you feel helpless and incapable of doing anything right. Some days you know you're the worst thing that's ever happened to you. Some nights you don't go to bed thinking everything's better and you'll be better. Some nights you just go to bed, and hope you won't feel this way when you wake up.

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