Thursday, January 28, 2016

Petty LaBelle. Petty Mayonaise. Petty Murphy. Petty Pan.

Well I'm divorced. The hearing was Tuesday, and took all of ten minutes. My marriage and a ten year relationship was legally ended within minutes. Perhaps the funniest part is remembering the planning and time that went into preparing for the wedding, only to have it all undone so quickly.

Maybe instead of a year long waiting period for divorce, we need a waiting period to be married. Then again it wouldn't have mattered in our case. As I mentioned, a third of my life was spent in that relationship. You'd think I'd have caught onto the red flags. Yet here we are!

I was getting more and more anxious in the hours leading up to the hearing. On the drive to the courthouse my stomach was in knots, and I had been listening to Alanis Morissette for a while. Even when I got there, and saw my almost totally ex husband and his fedora-wearing witness, nothing calmed within me. Until he spoke. I was reminded of his cold politeness, and the loneliness I had started to feel in our marriage. I felt reassured about my future and the change in status I'd have once I left the courthouse. I felt almost completely calm when I heard him dragging his heels when he walked. 

That noise always drove me crazy. Genuinely made me twitchy, enough to where I contemplated leaving him in a grocery store when we were in Ireland. The worst part was he would do it on purpose. But hey, not an issue any more. At least it's not my business how he chooses to walk.

In fact, none of that is my business. What he does with his life now doesn't concern me, and hasn't for a long time. I've done everything I can to maintain a respectful distance between us, taking cues from his behavior. Especially when it comes to his girlfriend. I've wished them well, but done everything I can to avoid any interactions with her. I don't know her, I've never said a word to her, she isn't a thing in my life, and I've just hoped they'll be happy.

So I don't know why she felt the need to brag about their divorce party on social media and call me Voldemort. I suppose she remembers Harry Potter very differently than I do. I definitely don't recall Voldemort avoiding parts of town where other people might be. Then again he was preoccupied with Harry and crew, and a little busy. So yeah, maybe he did ignore some other people.

In case you're wondering the joke is that I may be Voldemort but they're still not my concern.

But I've written before that I'm going to be honest about what happens when you're in these situations. And the truth is, no matter how hard you try you'll still be hurt. Everything tightened and I felt anxious and angry. I felt sad. I felt exhausted. I felt confused and hurt. I did nothing. I've wished them no ill will. I've told him that they both deserve to be happy. We all do. I get that they'd celebrate the end of all this; or at least that he would, because it actually involved him. But to make such a spectacle of it, and to say this about someone that actually is being impacted. I don't know what to do or how to react.

At least two days ago I didn't. Today? I know to just leave it alone. What they have to say about me is still not my business. It will not help me. I know what I have to do to find my own happiness, and it doesn't involve them. I'm starting to resent this high-road approach, but I've been here long enough so I might as well keep going. Empathy has never been my strong suit, and I'm trying to comfort myself by saying it's what I'm doing.

Lord grant me the patience and strength, because petty is so much easier.


  1. Many years from now, you will realize that the view is so much better from the high road. Not many people do. Especially the kind of people that would publicly rejoice in the dissolution of one's marriage, at the risk of hurting the other party's feelings. That's just bad form.

    As someone that went through a divorce many years ago, I can completely empathize with your situation (he was my first date, and we were together for 12 years). And I can promise you, you are on the right path to happiness.

    I've read your previous blog, and now this one, and I have to say, you seem much happier now. And I'm truly happy for you.

    1. Thank you! Now that the time has passed I'm thankful I just had my moment and then let it go. Their life and issues are their business, and they'll have to think about what all this means for their relationship.

      And I do feel much happier! It's weird learning to be alone but it's so oddly comforting and hopeful.

  2. Some of the best times I've ever had were after the divorce. I hung out with friends, dated (a bit), and traveled the world. I was so content with my life, that I was really hesitant to start dating anyone seriously. My friend had to trick me into dating her boyfriend's cousin. Yes, we're married now, but the difference this time around is that I know with 100% certainty that if our marriage ever ended, I would go back to doing what I was doing before I met him, and I would be fine.

    1. I did read this a couple weeks ago and haven't responded. But this is really helpful for me to read. It's still easy to get caught up in the change of status and wanting to return to something normal. You're totally right, though.