And I ran.

I’ve spent weeks trying to think of a clever intro for this post. I’ll sit down to write, but then it reads like one of those pay-to-publish novels by people that can’t stop talking about themselves even when everyone has stopped reading.

So anyway, let me tell you about what’s been bothering me lately.

The thought of having a boyfriend makes me ill. It makes me want to just run away. If I get a text from a guy that implies anything more than friendship, I can’t stop thinking about dropping my phone and just running away from it. Literally.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful. (Though we all know I’m pretty misanthropic so there’s always a hint of general disdain for mankind in my actions. It’s what makes me, me.) Still, it’s flattering that anyone would volunteer to spend any amount of time with me.  I think it’s sweet when friends or coworkers or people I’ve spoken with once tell me they know the perfect guy for me. It’s a compliment that someone thinks enough of me to not only set me up with a friend of theirs, but also wants to see me happy.

Which is where the disconnect is. I’m not unhappy. I’m actually very happy with my life right now. For the first time in nearly ten years I’m on my own, and can do whatever I want. Yes, I sometimes miss my husband. Yes, divorce is hard and it’s hard to see the future I had planned falling apart. There are still a lot of those moments when it’s difficult to cope.

But there are so many great moments, and as time goes on those happy moods are more and more frequent. I love that I can spend time with friends, take a day trip, or just do nothing. I’m not being held accountable to anyone else. I’m responsible for and own my own life, all the good and bad things about it.

I’m just not keen on letting someone else into my space, and that’s okay. I don’t need someone there constantly asking what we’re doing. Someone that I have to consider with any decision I make. Or someone that’ll come over to my house and mess with my Netflix queue. It takes time to really personalize it!

It’s fun to flirt and chat with people, sure. But at the end of the day I really like going home alone. I’m a firm believer in learning to be happy with me before I even try to be happy with someone else. I want to be comfortable with who I am, so that if I ever start dating it’ll be with someone I want in my life instead of someone I need in my life. I want to be able to share that happiness and not depend on someone else for it.

Plus, I want to order whatever kind of pizza I want. The only ones I’m sharing with are the dogs, and they aren’t picky.

To Adventure!

It dawned on me that this blog was meant to chronicle my life as a single woman after ten years in a relationship. I should probably add some adventure so it doesn't seem like I've spent my time drinking beer in the shower and crying.

Just kidding, that only happened once.

A couple months ago I took a vacation to Germany to see my brother, as mentioned in the post about being in O'Hare airport. I'd like to add that I did give into their olfactory-based marketing plan and had a pizza. It was airport pizza, but it was still delicious. I have no regrets considering the quality of the food on Schmunited.

I landed on a Friday morning in Amsterdam at roughly 10:00am. I've gotten pretty good at navigating the trains, and had found the route to the Hauptbanhof (that means main station) before I lost wifi signal- and therefore use of my phone. Thanks to that, and a kind older gentleman originally from Columbia, I was able to make my way to the city. Now from there, it was an absolute clusterfuck as I tried to find my hotel. The ticket kiosks made no sense, the attendant wasn't around, and I spent at least 45 minutes wandering around like a lost puppy with all of my bags in tow. When I finally made it to my hotel it was near 2:00pm. Happily, that meant by brother's train would be in soon! It only took me 20 minutes to walk back to the station.

Amsterdam was lovely. No, we didn't do any drugs.

I stayed at my brother's flat in Hanover during the trip, which saved not a small amount money. Plus Hanover is a lovely city and fun to wander around. Thanks to Germany's amazing rail system, traveling to any other city for a day trip was simple and stress-free. The trains are incredibly reliable, except for that day a man in his underwear climbed onto one of the stations and stopped everything around him. That was exciting.

Since my brother works for a living, most of my daytime adventures were solo. The thought of doing this was initially daunting. I hear a lot of "I could never travel by myself" from other people. Still, I had come this far. I could either get out and see these cities and have this experience or sit around in an apartment in Germany watching Netflix all day. I learned Orphan Black is a great binge watch.

So, I got out. I walked around Hanover and followed their Red Thread tour, and had day trips into Berlin and Hamburg. I expected to feel alone, and I did.  I felt it in the mornings, when I was walking about before anyone else back home had woken up. I felt it as I was staring at Brandenburger Tor and had no one to share that with.

I set goals for myself. Sometimes the goals are to get out of bed and put real pants on. The pants one is a big step; they're awful and uncomfortable and if I'm being honest, oppressive. Still, as time goes on the goals get bigger. I want to understand that I'm not alone. I have friends that I can harass with early morning text messages. Most importantly, I have me. I'll always have me, whether I want to or not, so I might as well learn what that means. I want to be happy with myself, and reflect on who I am and who I want to be. I don't know where I fit into this world without my soon to be ex. I don't know who Layla is outside of Charlie and Layla.

But I'm learning. I've learned Layla loves things like flying across an ocean and wandering new cities to see history she's only read about.

I've said this isn't easy, but even during my worst moments I will struggle to remind myself that I cannot stop. I cannot let this knock me down and beat me because I have too much life in front of me to live. I will not be defeated and left to wallow in heartbreak. Millions before me have done this and billions after me will, too. People will say there's no way of knowing what lies ahead of us, and to an extent that's true. But we shape our own future. The decisions we make and paths we choose to walk determine who we will become. I may not know who I am, but I know who I am not and I am not someone that will lay down and die.

I want to be that person that isn't afraid of what lies ahead and walks fearlessly down that wooded path until she finds her way out. I'm not there yet, but at least I'm heading in that direction.

Anyway, here's other awesome things I saw, did, or ate. And ate. I ate everything. All of the things. I framed a picture of pastries in my home because it was that important to me. I also had a beer at the Hofbrauhaus and spent my birthday weekend with my brother and his girlfriend at Neuschwanstein Castle.

Paragraph IV(a)(3)

There are a few things, in a divorce, that each party “claims” that don’t appear in the settlement papers. Of all of these, the friends are probably the ones you’ll notice most. Maybe it’ll happen gradually, with their texts and invitations slowly dwindling. Or it’ll be like my experience, and everyone will immediately pretend like they never knew you. I think I once witnessed someone hiding from me in public.  

Sure, I’m that person now. My choices are what led to this situation and I accept that. I certainly don’t blame any of these people at all. They were his friends first, or dating his friends, and that’s how it happens. Still, it doesn’t feel any better knowing there’s a totally rational reason for it. I may understand why, but then the self-doubt kicks in and I wonder if any of them even liked me to begin with. I had a lot of fun with this group; they’re all hilarious and so great to talk to. Yet once he made the announcement (….really?) that was it. No more. Some were probably even grateful I wouldn’t be around.

Now here’s where it gets awkward. I still follow a lot of these people on social media. I just never had a reason to unfollow or unfriend anyone. Until recently, that is. There was a beautiful wedding, with beautiful pictures. And in the background of some of these beautiful pictures, I saw my soon to be ex-husband and… someone.

I can give you a long list of reasons why I shouldn’t care. It’s not like I didn’t expect this to happen. It’s not like I thought I would live out the rest of my days blissfully unaware. The logical part of me knows this was inevitable, and that I really have no right to be upset. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to react or be hurt. One of the things I’ve learned is that just because we shouldn’t be hurt doesn’t mean we won’t be. You might be fully aware of how it’ll feel if you get punched in the gut, but it’ll still knock the wind out of you.

That was a fun moment. It does me no good to leave that avenue open. And it’s not like I’m losing anything if we’re being honest. Since being on my own, I’ve had the chance to make such great new friends and reconnect with people I had neglected. I’m moving on in many ways, myself.

So maybe that’s this week’s lesson. You move on and move forward. Like I said last week, it’s never easy but you don’t really have a choice. And it’s okay to feel hurt, because no matter how well prepared you think you are, shit happens. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some cleaning to do.

With This Ring?

Divorce is never easy. It can be devastating, crippling. It can be freeing and give you a new purpose in your life. Divorce can be many things, but it's never easy. There's nothing easy about looking someone in the face and telling them you just can't continue, or hearing whatever their response is going to be. It's not easy to go to a lawyer and divvy up the life you've built together. It's not easy to tell people and expose your failures.

It's oddly easy for me to write a blog about it, but we're all different.

I've made it because I have no other choice. For a while, it felt like everything around me was crumbling to the ground. Some days I wanted to lay around and sob, but I always had something to do. Life doesn't stop even if I feel like I have. So, I pushed it all down and pretty soon I started to just not feel it any more. 

Divorce isn't easy, but I know we'll both be happier going our separate ways. 

That didn't make it any easier when I gave him my wedding rings. We barely had any contact over several months when he came to collect some of this things. The engagement ring was a family heirloom, and under no circumstances could I keep that from him. So he came over, I handed him the rings, and he left in a hurry since he had plans. I stood there and watched him go, heard his truck start, and listened as the sound grew fainter as he drove away. In the silence I was suddenly aware of my own breathing, and how choked I felt. It was like trying to swallow a pill that just won't go down, leaving a weight in your chest and making you feel like your throat might close.

Handing him the rings he put on my hand felt final. It was a hurdle to get over and a step toward healing, sure. But if you ask anyone that's gone through something like this, the path to acceptance and happiness isn't a gradient from black to white. It's a path in the woods that'll loop around itself, with patches of light and darkness along the way.

People have pointed out I seem different, and in many ways happier. This divorce has been as simple as one could hope. Sometimes, I even call it amicable. It's the impetus to set me on a journey to get out of my comfort zone and find where I need to be.

But it's never easy. 

Flying Solo. Literally.

I’m sitting at some charging station in O’Hare airport. My phone’s nearly dead, so it’s on airplane mode while it charges.  I also learned that the current version of iTunes on my Mac doesn’t support Quicktime, so I won’t be watching Downton Abbey until said phone is charged.

Here’s a fun fact about this airport: it smells like pizza. Everywhere. If that’s some ploy to encourage travelers to buy food and drive revenue, it’s a brilliant and delicious one. I’m screwed if they ever start pumping in the smell of Thin Mints.

#LaylaFliestoGermany: Part Deux is finally underway. My flight yesterday was cancelled due to weather and poor planning on the part of the airline I’m flying with. To remain professional, I won’t name it as I’m sure this trip will be mostly complaints about how this airline does business. Let’s just say it rhymes with Schmunited. Also worth noting, Schmunited doesn’t give snacks during their flights. Delta gives snacks. Delta gave me free cookies on a flight from Charlotte to Charleston.

I’ll be spending a weekend in Amsterdam with my brother, and then a week and a half in Hanover. I haven’t taken a solo trip since the separation, save the long weekend last time I came to see my brother. Really, I’m still not alone this time but I will have daytime to myself to ride around northern Germany. I’ve always worried that doing anything alone would be awful. I’d have no one to share the experience with, or share a meal with, or get lost with. Then it dawned on me that I can still eat and enjoy myself, and now I don’t need to worry about someone poopooing my ideas of places to visit.

Over the past few months, I’ve learned to really appreciate being alone. Perhaps I should say I’ve learned to appreciate spending time with myself, because the other thing I’ve learned is that I’m not alone or lonely. It’s an important thing to realize but we’ll get to that in another post. Still, I’ve found I like not having anyone else to answer to. If Layla wants to watch Justified or Downton Abbey all night while she makes ravioli for dinner, Layla will. There’s no one to change the TV or say they don’t like the meal I cooked.  If I want to fly to Germany for vacation, I’m flying to Germany and enjoying the time I get to spend with my brother while I do whatever else I want.

This isn’t to say the time and trips with my former spouse were unpleasant. We had a fantastic trip to Ireland, and typically enjoyed one another’s company. This isn’t about him at all. This is about me, and that’s a phrase I haven’t been able to say for nearly a decade.

This trip is about me, and doing what I want to do. More importantly, this trip and experience is about me realizing I can do whatever I want. I don’t need someone else to give me the courage that I should have in myself. I can be alone and still have a wonderful and fulfilling life. And really, shouldn’t we all know that? Fear of being alone because we think it’s an empty existence is how we end up in unhealthy relationships. We just think being with someone we aren’t happy with is better than being alone.

If I ever get into a serious relationship again, I want it to be because I want that person in my life and not because I just need to have someone there. I would also like it if that person doesn’t expect me to wear real pants all the time, or will bankroll vacations, or is Tom Hiddleston.

I think these are totally reasonable expectations. And if I never find someone, I’m still happy.